LIC orders its agents to stop approaching Dhoni with retirement plans

In a first-of-its-kind order, the Life Insurance Corporation of India has instructed all its agents to strictly refrain from approaching Indian captain MS Dhoni regarding retirement plans and benefits. The diktat comes in the wake of Captain Cool’s schooling of an Australian Cricket journalist who brought up the R-word before him. HILARIOUS: MS Dhoni trolls an Australian journalist on ‘retirement question’

“Given what Dhoni did the other day, a prestigious and legendary corporation like LIC cannot afford to get mercilessly trolled at his hands. As a precautionary measure to protect our reputation and good standing, we’ve banned our agents from being anywhere within a 5 km radius of Dhoni’s vicinity,” LIC Chairman S K Roy told The UnReal Times.

Roy added that LIC agents are generally allowed to spam whoever the hell they want regarding insurance and retirement policies, including the likes of Kamaal Rashid Khan, but that the Dhoni press conference has now totally changed the rules of the game.

Roy also reproduced a transcript of a phone call made by an agent of LIC’s rivals to Dhoni:

Agent: Mr. Dhoni?

Dhoni: Well, of course.

Agent: Sir, I’m calling from ***, this is regarding health insurance. Would be you interested in our plans, sir? We have some great..

Dhoni (interrupts): ek minute..ek minute..suniye meri baat..mujhe lagta hai ki meri acchi tabhiyat dekh kar aap khush nahi hai..aur.. ( 1 minute, 1 minute, listen to me. I feel you’re not happy with me being hale and hearty)

Agent: Sir..aisa nahi sir.. (Not like that sir)

Dhoni (interrupts again): ek minute ek Jo hai..ek script nahin hai..ek ek bimari ko dekh kar analyse karna padta hai ki kya karna chaahiye.. (1 minute, 1 minute. Life is not a script, we need to analyze each illness and find out what to do)

Agent (confused): sir..sorry sir..what about retirement plans, sir?

Dhoni: Haha, come home. Let’s talk.

The agent reaches Dhoni’s home with many documents.

Dhoni: Come, sit down.

(puts his hand around the agent’s shoulder )

Look around this house, look around those trophies, those bikes..does it look like I need retirement plans?

Agent (stumped): Err..

Dhoni (points to a photo): that’s a pic of me with Srini Mama. Now, should I take a retirement plan?

At this point, the agent folds his hands, falls at Dhoni’s feet, apologises and runs away in a flash, leaving all his documents behind in the hurry.

“Last heard, the employee is still missing and hasn’t returned to the company,” Roy added, “So we really can’t afford to risk sending our agents go Dhoni.”

Roy also added that their agents would soon be encouraged to approach Pakistan’s Shahid Afridi regarding retirement plans. “He seems to be the best bet. He’s likely to settle down in India; may be in Kashmir, going by what all he’s said recently. And Afridi being Afridi will likely purchase many plans and keep cancelling them during his retirements & retirement rollbacks. So we stand to gain heavily if we tap him,” Roy signed off.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Ashwin Kumar is a humorist with where this article was originally published. The UnReal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)