Mahendra Singh Dhoni... All izzzz well


By Dhananjay Devasper

 Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

The Indian team’s annihilation is complete. The weather, injuries, insipid performances all ensured that the World Cup-winning team will return from the English sojourn without winning a single match of consequence.


I decided to hang around the Indian team’s hotel in the hope of getting a few thoughts from Mahendra Singh Dhoni, on his stubborn refusal to play Varun Aaron in a single match. And as luck would have it, I managed to bump into the Indian captain, who looked like he was trying to hide from everyone.


Q: Rough couple of months, huh!!!


Dhoni: Well, of course, we lost everything. When we were bowling well, batting didn’t click. When we batted well, bowling didn’t click. We were lucky during the Test Series that Anna Hazare’s movement against corruption was on which ensured that the focus shifted from Team India.


Q: After winning the World Cup, I thought we had a great chance in the One-Day Internationals…


Dhoni: Well, of course so did I. But we didn’t have the bowlers to back our big scores


Q: But MS you also didn’t try anything new in the One-Day Internationals. You could have given Varun Aaron a chance. He’s the fastest bowler in India at present, and he’s from your state, Jharkhand.


Dhoni (looking a little miffed): Well, of course! Don’t you think I know that! I had the big picture in mind. You see, I had many problems on this tour. Injuries were many and our bus was in reality an ambulance. I wonder how Nasser Hussain came to know about this. It was such a closely-guarded secret.


Q: But what has this to do with Varun Aaron?


Dhoni: Well, of course I’m coming to that. You see Paul Nixon was absolutely correct when he said my hands are worn out. But I couldn’t skip this tour. Izzat ka sawaal tha. So I did the only thing I could. I stood far behind the stumps for our spinners. You see, I consider Munaf Patel, RP Singh and Vinay Kumar to be all spinners. I had to give them too much respect by standing so far behind the stumps, because of my worn-out hands. In fact, I asked for RP because his lack of pace would help in the recovery process of my hands.


Q: So that’s why you kept Varun on the bench as our “Fastest Waterboy”.


Dhoni: Well, of course! He’ll get his turn one day like Abey Kuruvilla, when he brings down his pace. Main Sakshi ko Bhagwan maanke yeh kehta hoon, In India we love our slow bowlers!

Also if Varun Aaron was selected for his pace, I would have to stand outside the boundary to collect his deliveries. I had to conserve myself for the next big series of my career for my redemption.”


Q: So you are eyeing beating England when they come to India as revenge, eh?”


Dhoni: England? Who gives a damn about England. I was talking about the Champions Trophy T20 tournament! Do you know the prize money at stake there? I will lead the Chennai SuperAchievers to victory over there, give Anirudh Srikkanth enough chances to “emerge” once again and say “All izzzz well.” (Here Dhoni gave me his best Aamir Khan impression, including scratching his derriere with his “worn out” hands).


I had reached my wits end with MSD’s “Big Picture”, and made my way out. All was definitely not well.


Stay tuned…