MS Dhoni to write a book, 1001 excuses for losing a cricket match

Please note: This is a humorous piece pure fiction.

Popular for artistically using his wrist in tandem with the cricket bat, MS Dhoni, will now be working his fingers instead to author a book on his achievements. But it s not just another run-of- the mill tome on a cricketer s life and the difficulties faced; Dhoni is treading newer grounds with his one of a kind compilation on what he does best, “1001 excuses for losing a cricket match: An Expert s Guide.

Talking about the inspiration behind the book, he recalled a moment from a T20 when India were routed a few years back. “After getting a drubbing form the opposition, I was running around searching for something to offer as a scapegoat at the presentation ceremony. Suddenly it occurred to me that I could blame the rain that came for a fleeting moment. Rohit (Sharma) instantly applauded my idea and suggested I could do a book on this. Needless to say, since then I have been kind to him too,” the World Cup-winning captain said.

All those present at the press conference were in for a treat as Dhoni read out the titles of a few chapters from his forthcoming book:

“Ain t my pitch: The wicket slowed when I wanted to go fast”.

“Raining culprit: How slippery grounds lead to a slipped match”.

“Loss of momentum – not yours”.

“Spot the balls that cost you the match: A ballsy outlook”.

“Blame your present losses on the past ones”.

Those were just a few that caught our fancy. Some of the other excuses that are yet to be used were given out as teasers:

“Fluttering sightscreen: Do you see what I see?”

“The cat that crossed your pitch: Natural to be supernatural”.

The lines however were to be used with great care and caution. “One cannot develop the conviction needed to produce these excuses on critical occasions, in a day s time; you need years of practice on smaller forums to perform at the highest levels. I have used them on many meaningless one-dayers to hone myself for delivering in the IPL and CLT20,” warned the dasher.

Quizzed on how he managed to come up with such innovative, yet believable alibis on every other occasion, the skipper first gave a heart-warming smile, before answering, “My idea of making excuses is simple. Every tangible thing around you can be used in one way or the other. As long as I don t run out of elements on earth to blame, I won t run out of ideas either,” leaving the audience gaping in awe at his guru mantra.

He also clarified that the book was not a set of hard and fast rules and customisation and tweaking at certain parts might be necessary to cater to specific needs. The advice however came with a rider. “You can make minute changes to the script in terms of who shares how much blame, but remember: Under no circumstances should you ever blame your own performance for the team s loss. NEVER EVER,” warned the captain, a touch emotionally.

While the entire nation cheered the new avatar of the cricket captain, Salman Khurshid scorned the idea. “It s a shame our cricketing warriors are working with ink, when they should instead be vying for the opposition s blood,” he ranted.

(Lokesh Bahety is a vocalist, guitarist, rapper, associate consultant, cricket buff & a lover of good humor. Reproduced with permission from The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)