Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu in conversation with CNBC TV18’s Udayan Mukherjee and Mithali Mukherjee

Photoshopped by Jyoti Desale

By Pankaj Vaidya
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
Udayan Mukherjee: Good morning to all our viewers. We have been getting a lot of feedback that our viewers are tired and bored of watching our channel since stock market returns over the last four years have been so low. Viewers are also complaining that they are bored of seeing the same faces of Ashwini Gujral, Sudarshan Sukhani, SP Tulsian and hearing their repetitive mumbo jumbo concerning stop losses, target breakouts etc. So to make things livelier, we decided to get new panelists — Ravi Shastri, Navjot Singh Sidhu, Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose. All of them are Masters of the Universe in their own inimitable ways, as adept as the current lot in recycling stale clichés by way of business commentary.
Mitali Mukherjee: Please welcome Ravi Shastri and Navjot Singh Sidhu.

Udayan: Welcome, gentlemen!

Ravi Shastri: Thanks, Udayan. It’s a wonderful day for trade. The traders are at their trading desks hoping to see a cracker of a trading day.
Udayan: What do you guys think of the aviation sector? Jet Airways has rallied 20% on FDI hopes.

Ravi Shastri: The Jet Airways stock has taken the aerial route. It’s raced like a tracer bullet.
Navjot Singh Sidhu: That stock went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it!

Mitali: Even Kingfisher Airlines has risen 10%. So do you finally see light at the end of the tunnel for Kingfisher?

Sidhu: There is indeed light at the end of the tunnel for Kingfisher, but it’s that of an incoming train which will run them over!
Shastri: To save Kingfisher Airlines, the promoters will have to give it the kitchen sink.
Udayan: What’s your say on DLF, Unitech and Indiabulls Real Estate? All of them down are 10 to 15%.

Sidhu: The way real estate stocks are falling, it reminds me of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala — one falls and everything else falls.
Udayan: We have been hearing a lot of positive noises on Suzlon Energy recently. You see any positive cues there?

Sidhu: Suzlon is like the Indian three-wheeler. It will suck a lot of diesel, make a lot of noise but cannot go beyond 30.
Shastri: The management really needs to give the full monty to turn this business around.
Udayan: Ravi, what’s your take on BHEL and Crompton Greaves?

Shastri: BHEL’s results were simply electrifying, Udayan. Crompton Greaves has been absolute hammered because of its poor numbers.

Mitali: Let’s now take some questions from our viewers. The first question is from Mehul Shah from Surat. Go ahead Mehul.

Viewer Mehul Shah: I have 100 shares of Cipla purchased at Rs. 400.

Mitali: You want to answer that, Ravi?

Shastri: Cipla is a just what the doctor ordered. Hold on to it for the long term.

Mitali: That’s your answer Mehul. Our next question is from Rupesh Choudhari from Nashik. Please go ahead, Rupesh.

Viewer Rupesh Choudhari: I have 10 shares of Infosys purchased at Rs. 2700. What should I do with it?
Shastri: Infosys is a company with cool customers and loads of experience, Rupesh. Hold on for the long term.

Mitali: So Mr. Sidhu, to sum up do you think Sensex will close higher this month than last month or you expect it to fall from here?
Sidhu: Stock prices are like wives, you never know which way they will turn.

Mitali: What do you think Ravi?

Shastri: At this stage both the outcomes are equally possible.

Mitali: So, Ravi, can you please sum up last month’s stock market summary for our viewers?

Shastri: Sure, Mitali. About 15 crore shares were traded, crores of rupees were lost. And in the end, one can only say that the brokerage houses were the real winner.

Mitali: Thanks, Sidhu and Ravi, for the welcome change. And since we also have got the feedback that our viewers are bored of seeing the same anchors on our channel, for today we have decided to bring in Prime time television news anchors. Please welcome Arnab Goswami and Sagarika Ghose.
Arnab Goswami: Thanks, Mitali.
Sagarika Ghose: Thanks, Mitali.

Mitali: Infosys CEO and Managing Director SD Shibulal is joining us to discuss the numbers. Please go ahead. All the best to both of you.

Arnab: Mr. Shibulal can you please take us through the numbers.

SD Shibulal: Our revenues fell 2% this quarter and net profit fell 3% this quarter.

Arnab: Why has the performance of Infosys lagged that of its peers in the last one year? The nation demands an answer. Even the Foreign Institutional Investors demand an answer.

Shibulal: Well, Arnab, the slowdown in Eurozone and North America has dampened demand.

Arnab: Can you assure everyone that in the next quarter the profits will not fall?

Shibulal: It is difficult to be sure, but the restructuring we have done in the last quarter will begin to show positive results in one or two quarters.

Arnab: Are you trying to dodge my question? I am asking why Infosys’ performance has trailed that of its peers? What are you going to do about this?
Shibulal: Well, we are trying to increase our revenues from other geographies to compensate for the slowdown.
Sagarika Ghose: One quick question, Mr. Shibulal. Talking of other geographies, what percentage of your revenues comes from Antarctica?

Mitali: Thanks, Sagarika, Thanks, Arnab for your time. I think Udayan and I will take up from here.

(Pankaj Vaidya is passionate about reading, writing, computer programming, value investing, yoga, cycling and motorcycling. The above article is reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)