Satire: Banned Danish Kaneria appeals to President Pratibha Patil

Danish Kaneria addressed the Indian media, saying, “What has happened to me is very unfair. Yaar, Iâ m feeling so bad when people call me Banish Kaneria! It is all a conspiracy to get rid of me. I thank Mamata didi for sympathising with me in this regard!” © AFP

Tainted Pakistan Test cricketer Danish Kaneria, who was slapped a life ban by the English Cricket Board (ECB) for involvement in match-fixing, met President Pratibha Patil at the Rashtrapati Bhavan on Monday to seek a pardon for his crimes. During the meeting, which lasted for close to half an hour, over excellent kebabs deftly prepared by the first lady herself, Kaneria appealed to the President to take over the reins of the International Cricket Council (ICC) post her presidential term and commute his life-ban.

 

The move comes in the wake of President Patil going on a mercy overdrive in her last days at office, commuting close to 35 sentences. Kaneria was extremely moved that one of the beneficiaries of President Patil’s mercy had actually passed away five years ago.

 

The leg-spinner, who is yet to come to terms with the shock of being banned for life, addressed the Indian media, saying, “What has happened to me is very unfair. Yaar, I’m feeling so bad when people call me Banish Kaneria! It is all a conspiracy to get rid of me. I thank Mamata didi for sympathising with me in this regard!”

 

When asked about the details of his rendezvous with the first lady, Kaneria said, “Who said Indians don’t have large hearts? Look at the President! Shahid bhai, aap sun rahe ho na? “When I read that Her Excellency is granting mercy to everyone alive as well as dead, I knew that this was God’s way of answering my prayers. I earnestly pleaded with Pratibha tai to become the ICC president, so that she can suspend my life ban with immediate effect.”

 

When asked about the President’s reaction, Kaneria said, “I told her that she can become the ICC’s first woman president, by advocating the causes of equality of women, betterment of women’s cricket etc. You know, the same hogwash and mumbo-jumbo that propelled her to the office of the President of India. Also, being the ICC president gives her the option of traveling to all cricketing venues around the world, right from Barbados to Christchurch. Why will she refuse, yaar?”

 

Kaneria was however left disappointed, as sources from the Rashtrapati Bhavan announced that the president has been “deeply pained” by media reports of her clemency drive and that she is not likely to grant mercy to anyone in future.

 

The mainstream media, however, seemed to have different agendas to focus on, with CNN-IBN deputy editor Sagarika Ghose tweeting, “Danish Kaneria banned for life! No outrage here? Where are you all, Internet Hindu militant trolls!? (sic).”

 

The Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) however feels the time has come for the Pakistan Government to pass an ordinance granting immunity against prosecution to all Pakistani cricketers so that they won’t keep getting arrested and banned.

 

(Ashwin Kumar is an untrained musician, singer, writer/blogger, satirist, T Rajendar (pseudo)-fanatic, mimic, passionate about stopping female foeticide)
 
(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India.)