‘Terror attack on South African cricketers’; ECB calls ‘terrorists’ non-state actors
Frank Duckworth (left) and Tony Lewis the inventors of the Duckworth-Lewis method

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

The South African Cricket Board has announced a bounty of $10 million for information leading to the capture of English statisticians Frank Duckworth and Tony Lewis, the creators of the infamous Duckworth-Lewis (D/L) method.

“Messrs Duckworth and Lewis are hardliners directly responsible for masterminding a number of terror attacks on the South African psyche since 1999. The attack on Tuesday was the last straw. Cricket South Africa will not stand aside quietly while fringe elements threaten the mental and emotional security of its players and fans,” said CEO Haroon Lorgat, reading out from a written statement at a specially convened press conference. Lorgat was also strongly critical of the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) for “harbouring these dreaded elements”.
The board’s announcement has been whole-heartedly welcomed by South African legends such as Shaun Pollock, Mark Boucher, Jacques Kallis and even those from an earlier era like Brian McMillan who were done by earlier versions of rain-rules.

“This is great! Finally I have some purpose in life after my retirement,” said Lance Klusener, as he picked up his shotgun. “You take Duckworth, I’ll take Lewis,” said Mark Boucher to Jacques Kallis, as they slipped on their combat fatigues.

ECB officials, however, claim that Messrs Duckworth and Lewis are non-state actors and that ECB is in no way complicit in any of their activities that allegedly destablise other cricketing teams. “Also, there is no evidence linking Duckworth and Lewis to attacks on South Africans. Most of the damage is on account of the players themselves choking at crucial stages,” said ECB chief Colin Graves.

Meanwhile, the two gentlemen in question, Messrs Duckworth and Lewis, are not amused at the turn of events. “This will only lead to further escalation, and a vicious cycle of violence. All they are doing is forcing us to come up with the next version of the D/L method that will screw the South African team in subtler and more lethal ways,” said Frank Duckworth.

 

(Originally published in www.theunrealtimes.com , “Unreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)