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By Amrut Thobbi

 

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction

 

After his move to regulate content across many social networking sites like Facebook, TwitterGoogle+ and other internet platforms, Kapil Sibal, the moral supercop of the nation, is training his guns on Indian cricket. Even as encomiums pour from the world over celebrating the genius of Virender Sehwag’s epic double century at Indore, the visionary in the Union Minister is concerned about the long-term effects of such batting on the moral fabric of India.

 

Never afraid to go against the tide and never afraid to speak his mind, however unpopular his views may come across to the masses, the bold and the dutiful Sibal was unambiguous in castigating Sehwag’s attitude and approach to batting.

 

“We teach our children rage is not good for them. We teach the values of peace, something that has been espoused so eloquently by Mahatma Gandhi. But what does Sehwag do? His whole attitude and approach to batting is based on the principles of violence. There is an unmistakable arrogance in whatever he does as a batsman. This goes against the grain of Indian culture. Sehwag has sent out a wrong message and lowered Indian moral standards. This is not the Indian way,” almost losing his breath in trying to put his point across to mediapersons.

 

Sibal then plunged into cricket history to further underline his point. “There is no doubt that Virender Sehwag and Sunil Gavaskar are two of our greatest openers. But they are polar opposites in everything. I remember Gavaskar scored 36 not out in 60 overs in the 1975 World Cup. Compare that with Sehwag! We first took notice of the disturbing trend when Yuvraj Singh scored 36 runs in one over of Stuart Broad. Imagine 36 runs in one over as opposed to 36 in 60 overs. This is certainly not cricket. This is not gentleman’s cricket,” Sibal said triumphantly.

 

“It’s still early days to say what exactly will be done to tackle the situation, but the government is serious and will take preventive measures soon. We may force broadcasters to issue statutory warning ticker running across the screen about the harmful influence of watching such batting. We may have a permanent Parent Guidance (PG) advisory logo at all times during the telecast. Sehwag may also be forced to sport statutory warnings on his bat. We are aware that our moves may not be popular, but then we are not here to win a popularity contest. We need to do what is right,” Sibal said emphatically.

 

Sibal also revealed that Sehwag is not the only cricketer that has the government worried. Cricketcountry has learnt that Yusuf Pathan and MS Dhoni are two others who may also come under the government scanner.

 

“We have to nip this menace in the bud,” said Sibal. “Strike rates of these cricketers will be closely monitored by us. If it tends to exceed 150.0 then we will have to step in and take corrective action.”

 

The Union Minister also had an advice for the media. “You guys should stop sensationalising such innings just to enhance your TRPs. Why don’t you cover Rahul Gandhi’s election campaign in Uttar Pradesh with similar vigour?”

 

As a parting shot, Kapil said: “Speed kills, but thrills too!” sounding more like a road safety ad!

 

(Amrut Thobbi, an engineering graduate now pursuing Masters in journalism, is an ardent cricket fan who likes to write spoofs, like the one above. His passion for writing inspired him to give up a sales and marketing job, which he does not regret. By writing on cricket, he wants to relive his dream of becoming a cricketer. He has also worked as a freelance writer in education and technology sectors)