1997 English Tour To Australia
Ashes - Another Sad Horrific English Series © Getty Images

Q: What is the height of optimism?

A: An English batsman applying sunscreen.

 

Q: What does Alan Mullally put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?

A: A bat.

 

 

Q: What would Glenn McGrath be if he was an Englishman?

A: An all-rounder.

 

 

Q: What is the English version of a hat-trick?

A: Three runs in three balls.

 

 

Q: Why don’t English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?

A: Because they never catch anything.

 

 

Q: What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his names?

A: A bowler.

 

 

Q: What was the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?

A: The walk back to the pavilion.

 

 

Q: Who has the easiest job in the English touring party?

A: The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

 

 

Q: What advantage do Nasser Hussain, Mark Ramprakash, Dean Headley, Alex Tudor, Alan Mullally, the Hollioakes, Mark Alleyne and Graeme Hick have over the rest of their team-mates?

A: At least they can say they’re not really English.

 

 

Q: Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?

A: Because he was born in England.

 

 

Q: What does “Ashes” stand for?

A: Another Sad Horrific English Series.

 

 

Q: What’s the English version of LBW?

A: Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

 

 

Q: Who spent the most time on the crease of anyone in the English touring party?

A: The person who ironed the cricket whites.

 

 

Q: Who is the best English batsman on the present (1977) tour?

A: Ian Botham.