Alastair Cook © Getty Images
Alastair Cook is an inspirational leader © Getty Images

The way England folded in the second innings at Lord’s, it makes one wonder what Alastair Cook would have told his men before walking in to bat after being set a mammoth 509-run target. Sameer Jha imagines what he must have said.

Gentlemen, there are two roads in front of us – fight hard and probably take it till Tea tomorrow, or fold now and finish the game today itself. Who are we kidding, we can certainly not fight off the Mitchell-trio for long! Might as well play some outrageous shots today and take a day’s rest tomorrow. Who doesn’t want an extra days rest? Certainly not you, Ballance!

Lyth, you can pop an extra bottle champagne today. You maybe going home early. Folding, like this, will also not give those jerks a sense of real victory, because we won’t make them fight for it. Leave them a little dry mouthed, and see them fall in the coming matches. Root, you are the man most likely to spoil it for us. Don’t you dare do it!

Save your energy, boys! We have a long tour ahead. I started the first innings well because I thought it was a flat pitch, and believed you all would be able to easily reduce the lead. This time I won’t make that assumption. I know that even if I fight till lunch tomorrow, you bunch of nincompoops will collapse before tea.

Lyth, Buttler, Bell and Moeen – I don’t even need to tell you all this. I know you guys will try your best to get us a holiday tomorrow. Even if you tried otherwise, and put in effort to save the match, you would still not be able to tolerate the spice served out by the Aussies. Broady, Anderson and Wood –  By the time you guys walk in  to bat, most of the job will be done and we will be preparing for tomorrow’s holiday. Don’t intensify the agony by gritting it out. Just play your natural game and you will soon fall.

Stokes, you fought well too in the first innings. But, relax now man! These people are not worth it. Play your most outrageous shots! We are going to make these Aussies feel like they hunted a dead deer.

Please note this is a humour article — a work of pure fiction

(Sameer Jha is a former employee of CricketCountry. He can be followed on Twitter at @SameerJha_)