Yusuf Pathan (left) receives the news of Goldman Sachs offer to Shahrukh Khan (right) with mixed feelings © IANS
By UnReal Mama
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
Yusuf Pathan has been such a terrible disappointment for his franchise — he has averaged a measly 21.10 in 14 matches in IPL6, ensuring that Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) — that a consortium of I-banks led by Goldman Sachs have offered to compensate KKR owner Shahrukh Khan for the lousy investment that Pathan has turned out to be.
“We are used to investments going bust all the time on Wall Street. After all, the central tenet of modern finance is that higher expected return entails higher risk, but this Pathan chap is the pits. Just sunk like a stone,” gasped Goldman CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, an avid Indian Premier League (IPL) fan at the forefront of the bailout mission for King Khan.
Pathan has been utterly predictable with his failures, marching zombie like to the crease only to get dismissed as soon as he faces a fast bowler at the striking end.
“No investor deserves to be duped like this,” added Jamie Damon, head of JP Morgan, another I-banking behemoth that is part of the rescues mission. “So out of solidarity for SRK bhai, we’ve decided to bail him out. After all, Uncle Sam bailed out the entire financial services sector for the housing bubble collapse. The least we can do is bail out SRK for a bubble head like Pathan.”
Mamata Banerjee also queued up to aid Shahrukh, bracketing his plight with that of investors duped in the Saradha Chit Fund scam. “I hab asked peepul to shmoke a little more so that Shah Rukh bhai can also be compensated for watching his inveshtment on Pathan go up in shmoke,” she said.
Shahrukh has thanked his benefactors for their generosity. “I was planning to dance in at least 400 more weddings this year to recoup my losses on Pathan, but I guess don’t have to do that now,” he said, blowing a kiss to his well-wishers.
Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) team owner Vijay Mallya was also reportedly spotted loitering outside the Goldman Sachs’ headquarters, hoping for a similar bailout.
(Originally published in www.theunrealtimes.com. “Unreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)
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