By UnReal Mama

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction

Team India created history on Sunday by inflicting a 4-0 whitewash on Australia and successfully gain revenge for a similar result inflicted on MS Dhoni’s team during India’s Down Under tour in 2011-12. Through pictures, tweets and Facebook Wall snippets, The Unreal Times brings you the story of how this came about.

The Australian team flew into the subcontinent well before the 1st Test. After practicing hard in the nets — some towards the Test series, others towards the Indian Premier League (IPL) season after the series — they played the Indian Board President’s XI in Chennai, and thrilled Indian cricket fans, not by their scintillating strokeplay, but by the way their batsmen folded to young Kashmiri spinner Parvez Rasool, who was heralded as the next big find. In hindsight, that assessment needs to be tempered down given that this Australian team can be bowled out by even Harbhajan Singh’s grandmother!

The Aussies went on to play another meaningless warm-up match against India A, obviously not any wiser for it, oblivious to the coming pounding, and walked into the 1st Test at Chennai with their heads held high.

 
The 1st Test, Chepauk Stadium, Chennai

Still smarting from the 1-3 thrashing at the hands of the English, skipper Dhoni raised a few eyebrows right away when he dropped the most successful bowler in the India-England series, Pragyan Ojha, from the playing 11.

The Australians started off well in the 1st innings, thanks mostly to a quick-fire 50 by poor man’s Virender Sehwag, David Warner.

 


Australian captain, Michael Clarke, built upon the solid opening stand and helped himself to a century. At 306-5, with Clarke and Henriques going strong, it seemed the Australians were picking up from where the English left, but the Indian spinners would have none of it. Aussies were rolled out for 380, with Ashwin grabbing 7 wickets.

 

India started off poorly, with Virender Sehwag looking less like himself and more like poor man’s David Warner, when he tamely departed for 2. Murali Vijay had his stump uprooted by a stinging Pattinson delivery.

 


The Test, however, belonged to one man – MS Dhoni, who vindicated his boss’ decision to make him the Vice President of India Cements and shut his detractors up with a swashbuckling double century. In the process, Ravi Shastri managed to complete his own milestone, when he said for the 100th time on air that India was “in the driver’s seat.”

 

Virat Kohli helped himself to a century, and Sachin Tendulkar to a well-crafted 81, and it seemed that these performances along with Dhoni’s knock, laid a solid platform for the real star, Sir Ravindra Jadeja to slam yet another triple-ton. Unfortunately, fate wouldn’t have it.

 


Nevertheless, the lead proved more than the Aussies could manage, and it was only a matter of time before Ashwin, Sir Jadeja and Bhajji (yeah, Bhajji; you read that right) bowled them out for 241, leaving 50 runs for the Indians to get in the 4th innings. Sounds easy and boring, right? A lazy trot to the victory, perhaps? No. Master blaster, Sachin Tendulkar, strode to the crease at 36-2, and swung the first two deliveries for sixes.

 


And with just one run to get, he played out a maiden for good measure, just to tell everyone that he can. Cheteshwar Pujara completed the honours, and just like that Indians were 1-0 up.

 

The 2nd Test, Rajiv Gandhi International Stadium, Hyderabad

Lady Luck refused to take the hint from the rock-star status Captain Dhoni once again began to enjoy – India lost the toss, and Australians promptly chose to bat on a spinning wicket. Not that it mattered. Bhuvneshwar Kumar made the ball dance in the air like a ballet dancer and knocked out three Australian batsmen. Like hyenas, the spinners pounced on a dying Australian innings and nearly finished the rest. Pup, however, would not let the Indians have the last word. With 9 wickets down, and the not-so-flattering score of 237 on board, Pup declared, presumably to give his bowlers a shot at the Indian openers before stumps.

 


Needless to say, it didn’t work. Cheteshwar Pujara and Murali Vijay put on a 350 run partnership, grinding the Australian bowling to dust. After his phenomenal double hundred, the young Pujara perhaps did not deserve the wisecracks that ensued when he confessed in the presentation ceremony that ‘I just got married and my wife was worried that I should perform’, but hey, when did we Indians ever let a great performance come in the way of a good joke.

 

Sachin couldn’t build on the partnership and was dismissed for 7 – his worst performance in terms of runs scored per duration of pads worn. Neither did the others come good, but then they didn’t have to. Ashwin and Sir Ravindra Jadeja, in a partnership reminiscent of Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis in their hey days (well, sort of), hunted in pairs to lethal effect, claiming 9 wickets between them, leaving just 1 for Ishant Sharma to help him feel part of the team. India won by an innings and 135 runs, and went 2-0 up in the series.
 

 

The 3rd Test, Punjab Cricket Association Stadium, Mohali 

The Aussies roared back with their most entertaining performance in the series in the 3rd Test, or rather, a day before the 3rd Test, when Mickey Arthur, in a move that would have done consulting major McKinsey proud, dropped four players from the squad for Mohali, including the lethal James Pattinson and the potentially dangerous Shane Watson, for not submitting a PowerPoint Presentation in time.

Needless to say, Mickey Arthur was slammed by former cricketers across the world, particularly the Australian legends from the yesteryears, while Indian coach, Duncan Fletcher, allowed himself a rare smile at the thought that for once he may have emerged as the better coach.
 

The Indians rang in some changes themselves, replacing opener Virender Sehwag with Shikhar Dhawan, effectively bringing an end to the Sehwag-Gambhir era.
 

Despite the changes, the Mohali Test didn’t go any worse for the Australians, as it is quite difficult to get any worse than a defeat by an innings and 135 runs. In fact, the Aussies took the match to the last session of the 5th day (we will be a little charitable to the Aussies here by avoiding mentioning the fact that the 1st day was completely rained out. Oh, wait…)

The star act of the Test was by debutant Shikhar Dhawan. In a masterful performance that belied his international experience, Dhawan slammed 187 scintillating runs off 174 balls, almost all of them scored within a day’s play.

 


After that performance, the Mohali Test stuck to script. Indians got a decent lead and the Aussies obliged by once again folding for a total under 250, with Sir Ravindra Jadeja getting captain Pup for the 5th time in the series.

 

 


The Indian batsmen cantered to the target of 133 runs in the 4th innings, with a bit of the usual take-it-to-the-last-ball-and-show-off-with-big-shots brinksmanship by skipper MS Dhoni. Ravi, for once, sounded truly insightful when he pointed out that this match was going down to the wire, when Dhoni began to clam up, and the require rate began to mount.

 

 

 

 

The 4th Test, Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi

The 4th Test started out on an ominous note for the Aussies, when Ishant Sharma, of all the people, took the first 2 wickets in the 1st innings. The Aussies, missing the class of Michael Clarke, who was out of the 4th test because of the battering he received from Jadeja a sore back, were captained by Shane Watson. The change in leadership did nothing to improve their first innings score, but did result in a rather steep increase in sledging while the Indians batted in the 2nd innings.

Team India looked like they’ll concede the lead for the first time in the series, before that man, Sir Ravindra Jadeja bailed them out with a smashing 43 late in the day.

 

 


That 43 was merely the trailer, for the caterpillar that was Sir Jadeja at the start of the series, bloomed into a spectacular butterfly, and showed his adoring fans the full range of his abilities. Combining unplayable bowling with electrifying fielding, Sir Ravindra Jadeja, ably supported by his lieutenants Ashwin and Ojha bowled the Aussies out for 164 in the second innings.

 


It was left to his Saurashtra team-mate Cheteshwar Pujara to chase a tricky 155 on a vicious pitch. Pujara duly obliged, and on the shoulders of the two Gujaratis with a padded Virat Kohli spewing some choicest MC BCs from the dressing room, Team India completed the 4-0 whitewash and lifted the Border Gavaskar Trophy.

 

(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna (left) and Karthik Laxman (right), the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal. The above spoof has inputs from Unreal Times columnist Ajayendar Reddy)