Virat Kohli

Virat Kohli (above) expresses his unhappiness with Cheteshwar Pujara at the end of the second day s play at Motera © Getty Images

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

The country rejoiced the first double hundred by the Cheteshwar Pujara but Virat Kohli was not impressed. Though he played his first Test around nine months after Cheteshwar Pujara had made a fine debut, Kohli feels he has arrived earlier and is now a senior given his exploits in Australia.

A furious Kohli, waiting for Pujara in the dressing room at the end of the day’s place, blasted the quiet double centurion: “This game is all about TV viewership and grabbing eyeballs, are you aware of that? After all the hard work for nine plus hours, what did you ended up doing? You just twirled your bat and smiled! Batting is not just defending, stroke making and getting runs, and cricket is not being what you were after you got a double hundred! You have disappointed TV audience worldwide with your pathetic performance. I will be back late in the morning after my .. errr..  you better be awake for me to demonstrate what you need to demonstrate to the cameras. Okay?

The tired Pujara, an unassuming man of few words, nodded in the affirmative.

Kevin Pietersen was also fuming — for different reasons. He shot off a BlackBerry Messenger (BBM) to England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB), “Guys this is ridiculous! When we spoke of reintegration, I understood it was something that had to happen in the dressing room.  It is clearly a breach of contract when the side is disintegrated and I am required to integrate the innings with my batting! To top it all, Yuvraj Singh promptly bowls when I get to the wicket. What have you gotten me into? The TV stint was far more enjoyable doing Gangnam imitations of Chris Gayle.”

ECB responded promptly, “Chillax, Kevin. We have confidence you can do it. Just get a brilliant 100, an encore of your brilliant 149 at Leeds in your earlier Test.”

This further infuriated Pietersen who typed back, “Yeah, right. To get dropped again for the next Test?”

ECB was not to be cowed down though and responded: “Easy, dude. Just BBM your South African mates for inputs. With their IPL experience they can pay you back on ways to get Indian batsmen out. You gave them Strauss, now ask for some straws which our pacers can clutch on to.”

With off-spinners Graeme Swann and Ravichandran Ashwin in the thick of things, Harbhajan Singh, who could not make it large in Gujarat where prohibition is in force, was another unhappy man.  “I have 406 Test wickets and guys with just 187 wickets and 49 wickets are playing on this dust bowl, when am warming up the bench&5*X!”  he vented his feelings to some friendly Indian reporters. “And if Dhoni is going to use Ashwin as an opening bowler, I see no reason why I cannot play as a spinner. Dhoni might even use Ashwin as an opening batsman to partner Viru.  He has a pretty good technique, you know!”

That comment irritated Gautam Gambhir who overheard Harbhajan, and poked him in the eye.

Elsewhere, Sreesanth tweeted, “Bad stroke, Gauti. Poking is useless. Use the full face of the bat… errr hand….  #facepalm”

The most confused man in the Indian contingent was poor Umesh Yadav. He looked around the room and found Murali Vijay and Ashok Dinda missing. After a quick conversation with his other mates, he promptly booked a return ticket to join his Vidarbha mates. “I heard those not playing this Test have been cleared to play Ranji Trophy,” he explained to reporters as he boarded his plane.

Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi was not going to lose the high public interest in the Test match in his own backyard to gain political points: “Harbhajan Singh and Monty Panesar are completely unproductive. Much like the Singh in New Delhi!” he tweeted.

(Vincent Sunder aspired to play Test cricket, but had to struggle to play .gully. cricket! He managed a league side to title triumph in the KSCA tournaments. He was debarred from umpiring in the gully games after he once appealed vociferously for a caught-behind decision when officiating as an umpire! After two decades in the corporate sector, he became an entrepreneur with the objective of being able to see cricket matches on working days as well. Vincent gets his .high. from cricket books and cricket videos and discussing cricket)