Dhoni shaved his head because he wanted to lead the team and also show the way (Illustration by Prakash Dhole)
Dhoni shaved his head because he wanted to lead the team and also show the way (Illustration by Prakash Dhole)

 

By Vincent Sunder

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

My editor threw back the World Cup final report on my face. “People see the game live, and over and over and over again on TV!  You describe the game all over and call this an article?!  Get something better or you are fired!” he screamed.

 

I was crestfallen…It then struck me that it made great sense to meet the best leader in the country and get some ideas.

 

All roads seem to be leading to Chennai. I wanted to get there as well. But when I expressed my inability to get to Chennai from Bangalore, my Editor screamed at me yet again! “Think! Think! You cannot get to Chennai given the IPL game there on 8th! Take a flight to Delhi, use some political influence to get a ticket, telling them you will garner Tamil Nadu electoral votes and then fly to Chennai.”

 

Now who do I run into after landing at New Delhi airport? Virender Sehwag himself!

 

I rushed to him and said: “Congratulations, Viru! You have created history?”

 

Viru smiled, “I know that. Thanks!”

 

“Oye, Viru, am not talking of the World Cup victory! What I meant was that you are the only batsman to have used the UDRS twice in three deliveries and then walked back to the pavilion twice!”

 

“Arre yaar, what to do?” Viru sounded genuinely apologetic. “We just don’t understand UDRS! All along I thought it was VDRS!!”

 

“VDRS?”

 

“Yeah, I thought it was Viru Dismissal Rejection System!”

 

Viru was kind enough to call for emergency service as I collapsed on the floor.

 

Managing my way to Chennai, I rushed straight to meet the leader himself – Mahendra Singh Dhoni!

 

I was delivered another body blow as I entered his room. I found Dhoni sobbing bitterly, face buried in his palms! Unwittingly, I screamed in Tamil, “Dai mottai! Yenna aachu?” (‘Hey baldy! What happened?’)

 

He looked up and then went from sobbing to wailing out aloud! “Nooooooooooooooo!” he wailed, as I stood in shock! Captain Cool who never showed any expressions on the field, acknowledged as the best leader in the country crying like this!

 

I moved closer to him.

 

“Mahi, what happened? Is it true someone called you Shakaal?”

 

His shook his tonsured head vigorously.

 

“Huh? Did Sakshi ban you from partying and going after other………….”

 

“No, no, she has gone to her maikey!” and continued to wail.

 

“Boss! Tell me why you are crying! You are a leader, and leaders don’t cry!  You are the best, better than Kapil or Dada or anyone. You are better than Sir Don Bradman, better than Richie Benaud, better than Clive Lloyd, better than Ian Chappell, better than Ray Illingworth! Better than everyone. Even Tendulkar could never be a leader, not even be a captain for long.”

 

“Exactly!” he continued to sob, “Do you know why I tonsured my head?”

 

“I know why you are crying now, Mahi! You lost out on that million dollar Gillette blade ad, right?”

 

The back-handed slap from Mahi sent me sprawling across the room. Crawling on all fours, I got back closer to the now bitterly-sobbing man.

 

“Please tell me. Are you crying because Guru Gary is gone?”

 

“You just don’t follow at all, do you?” Dhoni looked up, “What do leaders do?”

 

“Well, they ….. they make a lot of money!”

 

“Aaargghhh!!” he looked around for something heavy and I quickly backtracked on all fours on the floor.

 

“Boss! Please, please, tell me why?” I pleaded from a safe distance now.

 

“Think!! What do leaders do?”

 

“Errrrr …..    they lead, win a lot of cups and stuff!”

 

“And?”  he thundered now. “OK!  What does the PM do?”

 

“He does what madam tells him!”

 

“Aarrrgghhhh!!” he made a motion that seemed like that of one wanting to tear his hair out in frustration before realization that he was in no position to do that!  “You don’t understand at all!  Leaders show the way right? Yes or no?”

 

“Of course, of course…”

 

“And why do you think I removed all my hair?” he asked, now looking intently at me.

 

I had no clue and I shook my head.

 

“I have to lead the team, and I wanted to show the way. I was hoping that by tonsuring my hair Sreesanth will follow me and remove that ugly bush off his head. I called to check if he had done that, but that joker was having a coconut oil hair treatment before going to streak his hair to look more like Malinga now!

 

Mera baaaaal!” Mahi clutched his tonsured head and then resumed his wailing.

 

(Vincent Sunder aspired to play Test cricket, but had to struggle to play ‘gully’ cricket! He managed a league side to title triumph in the KSCA tournaments. He was debarred from umpiring in the gully games after he once appealed vociferously for a caught-behind decision when officiating as an umpire! After two decades in the corporate sector, he became an entrepreneur with the objective of being able to see cricket matches on working days as well.  Vincent gets his ‘high’ from cricket books and cricket videos and discussing cricket)